On "The List".

Girls often have, what is termed shortly, “the list”. It is a list of qualities a man must possess in order to win her heart—or at least that is the ideal she has in mind as she writes it.

This may sound like a most excellent idea, if you have a list, you will not settle for less than your perfect match, right? It will limit the playing field down so that you do not waste your time or emotions where your happiness will not be found, or so I was told when I was encouraged to write mine.

I have found it to be quite the opposite. It, though specific to the point of being laughable, created false positive matches. Yes, there will be more than one guy who fulfills the list. And if you so believe that it will whittle down the choices to one, you take the risk of believing you have found the one—multiple times.

Also, I discovered that one “side effect” of the list is an increased “other” focus—looking and evaluating others, looking for strengths and weaknesses [going down the checklist, ticking off all the favorable qualities]. This side effect seemed to result in self-blindness.

Now, some of you may say—aren’t we supposed to be other-focused and not focus on ourselves? Yes, when it comes to love and nurture, guidance and care—but this wasn’t that. This was pointing out the speck in my brothers’ eyes while ignoring the plank in my own sort of “other-focused”.

You know what the whole thing ended up resulting in? Me feeling utterly lost. I didn’t know myself as well as I should. I was praying to God what would be the perfect guy for me as if I knew better than He? I was wandering around purposeless, holding on the dream of finding my purpose…..in a perfect match.

What is a perfect match? Who would be my perfect match. That’s how I looked at the world, if I am really honest with myself. I had very good intentions, they were just incomplete and lacking of a certain degree of maturity.

See, I was uncomfortable making a list of expectations and traits I was looking for in a man, without making sure I was up to the standards I was holding for the guy. No, I’m not saying you have to be a clone of your ideal guy, that would be boring and weird. Let me, for this instance, take a shallow example. One of the things on my list is that I want a guy who is musical. I, however, considerably lack musical talent. If you ask me to sing, you’ll only do it once. Trust me. However, I love listening to people play music, to express themselves through song. It speaks to something inside me, and moves me. However, in the list making for yourself, one must be careful what your motives are behind each item.

I want to learn to play an instrument. So when I can afford to do so [and the time is right], I will take lessons. This is where the list can throw you off, once again. I could take lessons in order to make myself desirable to a guy who is musical, and this would be a derailment.

In other words, I should not make myself into a musical person to get a musical man. Nor I should I pray for the sake of winning the heart of a praying man.

One further question, since when do we earn love? Going through your list becoming the things on it so that you may get a person with those qualities supposes that you can earn love. I believe God is the ultimate example of Love, and what can we do to earn his love? Nothing, it’s a gift.

Now, I need you to catch this. I’m not saying living up to those standards is wrong. It’s the motives behind them that make the difference. I should pursue music because it gives voice to that deep place within me, because it provides yet another way to praise my Lord and bring glory to his name; and prayer must be an expression of our heart, more specifically our heart for God and his people. Not for just one of his people.

Instead, I would urge you to work on your relationship with God. Let the relationship with HIM change you and make you long to be a better you, because you love HIM endlessly. That way, who you are, who you become, will be matched with someone who is on the same journey toward God. This will result in you finding a match, maybe not who meets your every minute specification and preference, but one whom is headed the same way as you. And thus, your relationship can become a ministry to others built on true devotion to God, and a solid identity forged by the intimate relationship you have with HIM.

I still consider a list, of sorts, to some degree. Men and women, read the ones for your gender and see if that is where you are or where you are headed because of a true and passionate love for God.

Women, is this woman you? "A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her. (-UNKNOWN)" Men, is this where you are looking for a woman?

• To all: (Consider; are you these things? Do you possess the following traits? Do you honestly want to be these things because of your great Love for Christ?)

Galatians 5:22-23

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Matthew 26:41

Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.

1 Corinthians 7: 33-35

But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.

1 Corinthians 11:8-9,11-12

For man did not come from woman, but woman from man; neither was man created for woman, but woman for man..... In the Lord, however, woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. For as woman came from man, so also man is born of woman. But everything comes from God.

Ephesians 5:21-28

21 Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another.

22-24 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.

25-28 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They're really doing themselves a favor—since they're already "one" in marriage.

Proverbs 4:23-27

Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it springs the issues of life. Put away from you a deceitful mouth, and put perverse lips far from you. Let your eyes look straight ahead, and your eyelids look right before you. Ponder the path of your feet and let your ways be established. Do not turn to the right or left; Remove your foot from evil.

Spirit filled:

Ephesians 5:18

Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit.

God is number 1:

Mark 12:30

30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’[a]

Broken (of self) rely fully on God:

Philippians 4: 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Faithful:

1 Corinthians 4:2

2 Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful.

Ministry Minded: Concerned about lost souls:

14 How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them?

Caring:

Galatians 6:2

2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

A disciple (both a teacher and the one taught):

Matthew 28:19-20

19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

Prayerful:

Colossians 4:2

2 Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.

Put others before self:

Philippians 2:3-4

3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

Finds joy in the Lord:

John 15:11

11 I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.

Pursue proper and peaceful relationships:

Hebrews 12:14

14 Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.

Finds peace in God and waits for God’s timing:

Psalm 37:7a

7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;

Kind and Compassionate, emotionally sensitive:

Ephesians 4:32

32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Colossians 3:12

12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

• To Women:

• The book of Esther

• The book of Ruth

• Proverbs 31 (select verses, see below)

• 1 Peter 3:

1 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands

• To Men:

• 1 Chronicles 28:9

• And you, my son [insert your name], acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever.

• Proverbs 20:6 Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?

• Proverbs 17:27 A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.

• Proverbs 29:23 A man's pride brings him low, but a man of lowly spirit gains honor.
• 1 Timothy 5:8
• If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

• Proverbs 25:28
• 28 Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control.

Proverbs 31:

Proverbs 31 (For men, Leaders, and all)

2 Listen, my son! Listen, son of my womb! Listen, my son, the answer to my prayers! 3 Do not spend your strength [or wealth] on women, your vigor on those who ruin kings.

4 It is not for kings, [insert name] — it is not for kings to drink wine, not for rulers to crave beer, 5 lest they drink and forget what has been decreed, and deprive all the oppressed of their rights. 6 Let beer be for those who are perishing, wine for those who are in anguish! 7 Let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more.

8 Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. 9 Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.

Proverbs 31 (For Women)

The Wife of Noble Character

10 A wife of noble character who can find?

She is worth far more than rubies.

11 Her husband has full confidence in her

and lacks nothing of value.

12 She brings him good, not harm,

all the days of her life.

.

.

.

20 She opens her arms to the poor

and extends her hands to the needy.

21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;

for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,

where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;

she can laugh at the days to come.

26 She speaks with wisdom,

and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

27 She watches over the affairs of her household

and does not eat the bread of idleness.

28 Her children arise and call her blessed;

her husband also, and he praises her:

29 “Many women do noble things,

but you surpass them all.”

30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,

and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.